Kiara Jordan ~ We came so close

Most everyone already knows that Kiara lost her battle with Cancer on Friday July 31, 2009. We were in our car racing to get her to the University of Minnesota in time for her surgery. We were just 40 minuets away when Chris yelled at me to check on her, I lept from my curled sleeping position into the back seat and found her soft warm body lifeless. What happened in the next few moments is so deeply personal and tragic that I can barley type without sobbing. We had failed, come so very close but failed to save our baby. Chris and I sat on a curb in some parking lot in Minnesota and we held each other and wept. We clung to each other and just cried our entire bodies shaking, the pain and anger coming out in waves. I can still hear the sounds we made ringing in my ears, and just cringe at the deep dark sorrow.





There was so much emotion, memories and love that we were losing that day. Kiara was our baby, our first child. We picked her out together at a broken down farm in Kentucky. We paid $325 for her and drove over an hour every Sunday for 5 weeks to visit and spend time with her before she was old enough to go home with us. I was the first Mommy there to pick her up, I remember like it was yesterday driving home with her asleep on my lap. Running my fingers over her soft ears and singing Little Star to her.



Right from the start she was the light of our lives. We were so soft for her she would cry at night and we would take her from her crate and into our big bed with us. Even though she would wet the bed every night. Which is why she was not potty trained till almost 7 months. Our first Christmas in Florida we were so very broke, we bought each other one small gift and then spent the rest of what little shopping money we had on toys for Kiara. But then she found a beat up old and very smelly buoy on a rope, that was all she wanted to play with! Kids. There are literally hundreds of stories I could tell about our life with our Chewbie. She was our lives, and now her and Skyler were gone. How do we move on from here without them?



Coming home to an empty house. Wow. There are no words. I drop a piece of food on the floor and have to pick it up, there is no one to greet us as we walk in the door. Do you know what that is like? It's pain, deep pain each time. Kiara used to greet us each time with a present. A dirty sock, a favorite toy, a pot holder, one time she ran into our bedroom and brought a guest a pair of my dirty underwear. LOL Thank the lord I was not home, but we laughed so hard over that one. Each time her tail wagging, head down, whole body moving. It's how she got the nick name rump shaker. Our home is full of memories and stories and love. I am so thankful for ten years with her, ten years of love, laughter and happiness.

The anger has come. One of the stages of grief, and I am so afraid of it consuming me. I am so so angry. I'm angry that we did not insist that the University take her immediately. I am angry at Brain Lab for not calling us back... EVER and really not giving a shit about saving Kiara's life. I'm angry at the cop who took twenty minuets to give us a speeding ticket after seeing my baby dying in our back seat. I'm angry at people for saying stupid shit to us to try and make us feel better when it's the most insensitive crap! I'm angry at people for saying let us know if you need anything and not meaning it. I'm angry that Kellen will never remember our babies. But really I am angry at myself, because no matter what anyone says to me, I am always going to feel guilty for not saving her. Always.


It was after ten at night when we finally pulled up to the beautiful crematorium an hour outside of Cincinnati. But there was Eric standing there waiting for us. Chris lifted her from our car and placed her on the gurney. Eric took her in to the chapel and left us with her. She had her pink bows in and her beautiful bandanna that we bought her on her 7th birthday. We left her chicky cow and a few pictures of us on our wedding day, picture of her and Skyler we had taken and a picture of Kellen. We said our goodbyes and those words will remain between us, a special good bye to the love of our lives. Kiara would be cremated privately just like Skyler was and she would be ready to come home with us. For this beautiful, amazing, special treatment we want to thank you Scott and Lindsey. There truly are no words for how wonderful you have been to us, always knowing what to say and how to say it. I really don't know what I would have done without you. Thank you will never be enough.


I do not know where we go from here, or how we get there. I just try to take it moment to moment. We are planning a special memorial for both of our babies. Just something small so that our friends who loved them can be with us. So we can tell funny stories and laugh, look at pictures and cry and celebrate how blessed we all are for having the love of a dog in our lives. We also are continuing our fight to find a cure for Canine Cancer. The National Canine Cancer Foundation is opening the Palm Beach County Chapter and Chris, Kellen and I are going to be running it in honor of our babies. This is a start to a new life for us.

It's a new begining. We will get through this, we will be stronger. But we will never love like this again. How could we?